I set a goal six weeks ago to start and finish an 8 week running program. I finished this morning by running an extra day each week, cutting it two weeks short. This also means I ran 3.1 miles this morning, or a 5k. Not a huge distance, but a huge deal for me. I am not very fast and I have not developed some deep abiding love for running like many other runners I know.
Actually, quite the opposite.
My legs have been sore for the better part of 6 weeks. This morning they are at the peak of soreness. My hips often ache. My knees get quite stiff if I forget to run on my toes more than my whole foot. And I still often feel like throwing up at some point as I run.
That being said, I have stretched my mind and pushed my tolerance and am proud of reaching the goal I set for myself. I will continue to run and push myself because I can’t bear to quit and throw out all my hard work. And because I am still quite limited about the exercise I can do.
Running is just about it.
So I will run.
Before I ran this morning I woke to an aching chest. My legs hadn’t recovered from my Saturday run. My back was tired. And my emotions were very close to the surface.
I hate to beat a dead horse but I think I saw this particular horse twitch a little so I will beat on it for just a second.
I am not whole yet.
I can go through my day to day activities and I can live my life pretty normally. If you just met me you would never know what our family has just endured. What my body has endured. What my emotions are still battling each day.
Just as I talk myself through my run, “you’ve got this.” “keep going, you are almost there.” I am talking through my emotions every single minute of the day. “you can do this!” “you are a little better everyday.” “the pain fades more and more all the time.”
As we all know, because it is in our faces every where we turn, October is breast cancer awareness month. I was excited at first and now look forward to the end of the month and not seeing a sea of pink at every turn. I am closer to feeling victorious. Running helps. I am feeling stronger. I am more alive. BUT. I don’t want to think about it all the time. I don’t want to pick up a yogurt and see the pink ribbon. I don’t want to see ads in paper, reminding me of the trials.
Jesse thinks I should feel honored and recognized. I will get there. I will be whole again. Little by little.
Just as I have trained myself to run.
“You’ve got this.”