I have been dealing with some confusion. Some conflicting feelings I have been trying to sort out in my silly little head.
I went in for another test on my heart this morning. It was just a simple EKG and the results came back borderline abnormal. I have atrial flutters. It is almost as fun as it sounds. It is basically inconsequential and feels kind of cool, mostly because I now know that it won’t kill me or make any other heart issues worse. It is just what it sounds like, my atrium flutter instead of beat sometimes. It feels like little baby kicks, in my heart!
I was SO nervous to go in for this test. Not because I was afraid they were going to tell me something awful, but because I was afraid they were going to tell me nothing was happening and treat me like I was a crazy person.
Through this whole process of dealing with health care I have experienced some interesting emotions. I never want them to tell me something it wrong with me. I want to be healthy and strong and be that person that never has to go to the Dr. The girl I was a year ago! However, if something is going on, I do not like the idea of being dismissed. Every time someone tells me what I have is no big deal I want to scream a little. How do you know that? What if it is a big deal?
I hope it is no big deal but we just DON”T KNOW.
There in lies the problem. We just don’t know. Not knowing is a very precarious perch to be resting on. It is worse than dealing with whatever may come. It is cement waders in an otherwise peaceful river. You can’t move in any direction. While talking to a friend the other day she mentioned that when you have these things to deal with it makes you want to give up on occasion. I agreed as I thought about how I have tried so hard to be a healthy person and help keep our family healthy. As our conversation continued we talked about feeling like everyday things were a little harder to care about, but if we didn’t know anything was going on with us we would carry on as usual.
I may still be wearing some cement waders, but I am fighting my best to carry on as usual. Maybe my legs are getting stronger as I work each day to move about with nothing dragging me down. It’s funny though, how frozen moments also give us time to notice the flowers blooming on the side of the river that we may have over-looked in the past. Flowers like little atrial flutters as opposed to heart arrhythmia. Just don’t tell me the flowers are nothing or that I’m crazy and there aren’t any flowers….