less than 1%

Yesterday Max and his friend found a hypodermic needle in the park near our home. While checking it out, both of the boys ended up getting stuck with the needle. Max while trying to put the cap on it. They weren’t playing with it or trying to be reckless, they just didn’t know the dangers. I had failed to warn my 9 year old son about needles. I didn’t anticipate a needle being left in the neighborhood play park.

After a trip to the E.R. and a thorough freak out from Max, we were given some news. Max Hepatitis shots are current, he runs almost no risk of contracting Hep B. HIV does not live long outside the human body so they told us to go home and set up HIV testing starting next week only if we were concerned. Jesse and I were calm until we had a little more time to think about this.

Max and his buddy have a less than 1% chance of getting HIV. Pretty decent odds you might say…unless you think of it like this. Out of 1000 kids between 1-9 will end up with HIV. I will split the difference and say 5. Again, not too many unless one of them is your child. Just because the chance is very small, it does not take away the fact that there is a chance. Those are not odds I like.

I can’t help but think about our future. Do we do the HIV testing every few weeks for a year and put Max through the pain and worry of having blood drawn so frequently? The testing does us almost no good until about a year from now when they can definitively tell us if he is positive or negative for HIV. By then it is too late to do anything. If we don’t do the tests and he ended up positive, have I taken proper precautions to keep my other children safe? Do I need to let people know of this tiny possibility? These are just a few of the thoughts swimming through my head. Thoughts I am mostly able to push away but have not been totally able to ignore. I am also so very sad that this even happened.  How much more scary can this crazy world get?

Despite that last paragraph we are being quite positive.  I just had to get it out.  Blessings were given and prayers are being said.

Now we just pick up, have faith, and move on.

miraculous

A few months ago I was sitting in a parent teacher conference listening to a teacher sing the praises of my son. Then I went to another conference and listened to another teacher tell me my son was the complete package. “He is kind, he is intelligent, he is thoughtful, humble, compassionate, and also incredibly good looking.” (no Zoolander reference intended I am sure.) It is always a parents hope to hear these things and I appreciated them, but I already knew they were true.
Nine years ago I was sitting in a hospital bed praying for a miracle. A miracle that was granted and I eventually took my son home. What I did not expect was for the miracle to spill over onto everything this kid touches.
I don’t take it lightly when people praise Max, but I live with him. I know how amazing he is. It is exciting and daunting to be the mother of such a miracle.
Happy Birthday Max!!

Favorites at 9

Favorite color(s) – pink and purple.  (And he is cool enough to pull those colors off!)

Favorite Movie – Hoodwinked

Favorite school subject – Math and P.E. but he also LOVES his E.L.P. days.

Favorite food – Spaghetti or Mexican food

Max loves to ride his bike and play with this friends.  Other favorite things include swimming, surfing, going to the skate park, and wake-boarding.

Yay for Max!!

to end slavery

My brother-in-law is a very passionate person.  He is determined to change the world and with our help he will.  He is working to end human trafficking…an issue that has been swept under the rugs of many people in very lofty places.

Pepsi is holding contests to give money to people with ideas to change the world.  Pablo needs your help and so do many people being held against their wills.  Most of them women being used for sex slaves.

Please follow this link and vote for Pablo GodoyEstel.  You just may be saving a life.  For real.

Create/run an interactive website to learn about Human Trafficking. | Pepsi Refresh Everything

letter of the month

Dear January,

You have never been my favorite month and this year is no exception. Sure, you didn’t beat me up too much but I still don’t really like you. As I type this, you are on my last nerve. For real. And now I am sick on top of everything else. You are super lucky that there are only 5 more days of you. You think you are so cool being the first month, well you are wrong my friend. You will always be the furthest thing from Christmas to me.

So. There.

E

rain

It has been raining here all week.  Yesterday we had a break and it was beautiful.  Today, back to rain.

Which can only mean one thing.

Pumpkin bars anyone?

Enemies

I don’t have time for enemies in my life.  Not only do I not have the time, I do not have the energy nor desire to carry around all the feelings that come with enemies.

Years ago (like 10+) someone said something incredibly hurtful about me to my husband of all people.  This someone happened to be my next door neighbor and, I thought, great friend.  More people found out about it than I would have ever wanted, it got bigger than it ever should have.  I can’t say that I was blameless, but I can say that I did all that I thought I could do, as a naive 21 year old, to rectify the situation.  I was devastated.  Then I moved in to more of a dismissive, self-preservation, mentality about it. Then I moved 700 miles away.  I sheltered myself from having any friends for over a year.  Then I moved again.  And tentatively began to make some friends.  I still keep in touch with some girls from that old neighborhood, but I have to admit, it is bittersweet.  While I love their friendships, I am always reminded of the friend that isn’t.  I still don’t understand.  Every so often, when conversing with old friends, my next door neighbor comes up.  I try to move on gracefully.  I hope that she is happy.  I hope that she has some great friends in her life.  Silly me, I even hope she no longer has ambivalent feelings towards me.  Maybe I shouldn’t care.  She doesn’t enter my thoughts often, but you can’t erase people from your mind entirely, nor would I want to.

Nearly 11 years later, I think the thing that hurt me the most was that no matter how someone felt about me, I still cared for them and their happiness, but I wasn’t supposed to.  People assumed she was my bitter enemy, that I had the capacity to hate.   The realization that most of them must not have known me at all.

My good friend Jack sums it all up in a two short lines,

“You might think I’m your enemy,

but that don’t make you mine…”

That’s right Jack.  It doesn’t make her mine.  Here’s to nothing but great fishing, shopping, Halloween decor,  and movie watching happiness to my next door neighbor.  Where ever she may be in her life.

January

January has some power over me.  It happens every year.
Regardless of the wonderful holiday season that we just had. No matter that the kids are back in school and I have gotten back into the swing of life.  The days seem a little longer and the weather is amazing, yet still, come January, I always have the overwhelming desire to be here.

Don’t get me wrong, life is great.  Just wishing I could be reading, sleeping, or dreaming on the beach in the hot sun.

Dreaming is good.

a book worth writing

Some day I am going to write a book. Some day I am going to have answers to the tough questions my kids ask and I am going to write a book all about it. I know, we all say we would love to have a book about raising children and answering their questions about life, but the questions I am referring to are regarding only one life.

I have a sister. Many of you may not even know this. She has not been a large part of my childrens lives because she has removed herself almost entirely from my life over the last ten years. There have been a few visits, but few is the operative word. I am partially to blame because I have not pushed the issue and forced visits to happen, though I am not sure it would have helped. Fault is beside the point really, the point is, my kids have questions about Aunt Jane and I do not have answers.

Yesterday Luke asked me who Jane was. He has met her a few times and has even spent a week with her when she visited a few years ago. That is the problem, it was a few years ago which means he was 3. A little hard to remember much more than the lady with the dog. Luke’s questions spurred questions from the other two kids, “Where does Jane live?” “Why does she not live with her son?” “Does she visit her son” “WHY?” “WHY?” “WHY?”

Questions I can’t answer.

The most scary thing to me is that these questions and my lack of answers somehow changes the views my sweet children have of the world in general. It opens their eyes to some of the sad truths our lives hold. It makes them sad. It makes me sad. I see sisters shopping together, best of friends. I wanted that. I am pretty sure she wanted that.

One day I will understand and have answers and be able to explain things to my kids and to myself. I will write my book and give it away to everyone I know so they can understand and be able to avoid some sadness in their lives.

Between now and I then I will pray for my sister.

begin again

Christmas was wonderful this year as it always is. The 26th we jumped in the car and headed to Utah to spend a few days with family. We learned a few things and heard some funny things along the way in these last few days of 2009.

• Luke LOVES crocs.  Even if they are fake crocs.  He will wear them non-stop and even try to sleep in them.  They can be filled with snow and still be the shoe of choice.
• Overheard from our croc-wearing blond child, “I’ll go back and play in the snow when it warms up a bit.”  Yeah.  SO sorry, that is not going to happen my little friend.
• Max will listen to the same song so many times I want to throw an ipod out a car window.  Actually a few songs but I am not sure that makes it better.
• Isabel is taller than all of her cousins save two.  They are 15 and 17.  Give her a few weeks and Isabel maybe the tallest girl.  She may be taller than most of her aunts soon as well.
• Band Hero is super fun, but if you forget the disc, it is not as fun.
• Sunshine makes me happy.  Especially when it is warm.  26 degrees is not my favorite.

The view from Jesse’s parents home.

2010 came in with a bang, we actually stayed up to ring in the new year, slept for a few short hours, gathered kids and headed home to beat the looming storm.  Upon arriving home we learned a few things as well.

• Water heaters won’t heat water if they have a ginormo crack in them.  No matter how bad you want to take a hot bath after being in the car for an entire day.  I have now gone nearly 60 hours without bathing.  Breathe deep, I am sure you can smell me from there.
• Car batteries don’t like alarms going off for an undisclosed amount of time. I am assuming the neighbors don’t appreciate it either but I wouldn’t know for certain as none of them have spoken to me since we arrived home…hmmm.  Maybe those two are connected.
• Once you get the battery charged on your car, you will still have to figure out how to inflate one totally flat tire, and three VERY low tires before you can venture out to deal with the broken water heater.
• Sleeping in your own bed is truly the best.
• Having a husband that can fix all the things broken is also truly the best.
• Since all the bad things listed above probably happened in 2009 we are still looking forward to the chance the new year gives us to begin again. We are holding out all hopes that 2010 will be full of nothing but amazing happiness, blessings, prosperity and JOY!

Here’s to a HAPPY 2010.

Christmas 2009

Christmas. Perfect as always.

Isabel looking too cool for school.

Max. Love the paper flying. It’s not really Christmas if paper doesn’t fly.

Luke and the much anticipated Pillow Pet. It’s a monkey that looks like a bear. Except somehow all kids first say monkey when asked what it is. Maybe the fault is my own? Ummm, nah.

Hope yours was the best.