happy hearts

All commercialism aside, there is nothing wrong with celebrating love.

Happy Valentine’s day.

one of THOSE days…

I just typed up a big long post about what I am feel in this very minute and maybe someday I will post it.  For now I will leave it at this.

I am tired of being bombarded with “eat this, not that” or “exercise this way, that way doesn’t work”  and my favorite… “your worth is in direct proportion to your body size/shape.”

Seriously, I have HAD it.

So much so that if I didn’t have a sick kid at home, I would be on a wild quest to find a pair of pants that actually fit all of my body…legs, hips, waist…all of me.

For now…sweats are my best friend.  Especially after running up that mountain yesterday.  Ouch.

Max

I am a little late in getting this post up for Max’s birthday, though not without reason.  Max, as I have said before, is quite the dedicated and focused child.  For his birthday he chose to wake up at 4:30 a.m. and travel to a bike race in the freezing desert.  He bundled himself up, ate his oatmeal and was ready to go.

Perhaps Max is so driven now because he started out less than enthusiastic to be part of this thing called life… Whatever the case may be, we have a very driven 11 year old on our hands.

For his 11th birthday celebration, Max got to learn a little about integrity and good sportsmanship.  As he raced across the finish line, fighting for 1st place, we were tearful at the strong child that he is.  We waited for the official results, knowing that the cyclist Max had fought to beat across the finish was 14 and would be in a separate category if they broke it down as such.

Instead, when the results were posted, it listed Max in 6th place.

He told us with a bit of shaky voice as he had seen them before we did.  We immediately went to investigate and were faced with confusion.  In 4th place was a little guy on Max’s team that they had lapped.  Twice.  In 1st, 2nd, 3rd, were some older kids that we didn’t remember seeing at all.  Not even at the starting line.

Turns out they rode with the 15-18 year olds.  They had cheated and by time we had an idea of what had happened, it was too late to protest.

We had a good talk about being honest, fair, and also being able to hold your head high when you know you had integrity.  The truth is, Max earned a 1st place finish in his age group of 10-12 year olds and 2nd place for the 10-14 year olds.  Nothing to be ashamed of.

Max at 11:

• Favorite Color: Pink and he doesn’t care who knows it!
• Favorite book(s):  Harry Potter
• Favorite Movie(s):  Harry Potter
• Favorite thing to do:  Ride his bike and play with friends
• Favorite food:  ”That is too hard a question to answer.”

I am a lucky mom to have Max.  He is kind, honest, and sweet.  He even kissed me in front of his friends at his last Cub scout pack meeting.  None of the other boys would kiss their moms.  Max is smart and devoted to doing things well and being successful at anything he does.

And these days…breathing is a non issue.  Because he decided to breathe a long time ago and we know what happens when Max makes up his mind about something.

a snowy getaway

Saturday the 21st marked the one year anniversary of the “big surgery” as I have referred to it.  You know, the surgery in which I had parts of my body removed?  When you have had multiple surgeries in such a short time it is tricky to differentiate and somehow saying mastectomy time and time again is emotionally taxing.

The day I got home from Las Vegas Jesse started talking about going to Utah to do some work for his dad.  He was set on not going alone so I was in charge of either getting a sitter for the kids or organizing a trip for the whole family.  Both of these tasks seemed overwhelming while trying to wade through the emotions that kept coming to the surface.

It was decided that we would leave the kids home with a very capable sitter and set off for a week of beautiful snowy vistas.

On Wednesday I went to a gentle yoga class.  The first time I have been able to do yoga in nearly a year and a half.  I sat in a chair with my eyes closed listening to the instructor remind us to breathe.  Encouraging us to clear our brains, let thoughts come as they would, acknowledge them, and let them go.

Breathe.

With each breath a few unexpected tears fell down from my eyes and spilt to my chest. The thoughts that kept returning to my mind were those of missing who I was.  Feeling broken.  Some other feelings I have pushed away over the last year.  I let them rise.  I looked at them head on and tried to let them go.  Again.

I spent a beautiful evening and morning snowed in on the hill where Jesse’s parents live.  Looking out at the valley below, it was so beautiful!

Just like the snow melts, just like the seasons change, life keeps going.  I wake up each day and go about the daily tasks of a wife and mother of three.  I put a smile on my face and try my best to live each day.  Sometimes fooling those around me that I’m “all back to normal.” While inside I cling to the hope that my new “normal” will arrive quickly, like the arrival of spring after a long winter.

And try to enjoy being snowed in.  Breathe.  And let it go.

what happens in Vegas is all over facebook

I have never taken a girls trip.  I have visited family without Jesse or the kids, but I have never planned a trip with friends alone.  I went to Las Vegas this past weekend, but I don’t think you could say that I planned it!

The great thing about having very spontaneous friends is that they can coerce you into doing spontaneous things with them from time to time.  Sarah mentioned the idea on Tuesday and I thought, “Oh Sarah, you are crazy.”  And Saturday morning I was packing my bag and headed towards two nights of very little sleep and three days of sore legs from running around Sin city.

Sarah is a fitness guru and coached a girl who was swimming in Cirque Du Soleil’s “O” for a limited time and Sarah was not going to miss this.  We left Saturday around 2:00, got to Vegas at 7:30, picked up our tickets and sat down to frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity.  Checked that off my list as it was not really that spectacular and highly overpriced.  Then we ran back to the theatre for the 10:00 show and struggled to keep our eyes open despite the amazing performance.

After the show we enjoyed a behind the scenes tour from Sarah’s friend and then made our way back to the car finally arriving at the hotel at 2:00 am.  Only to find out the reservation is all messed up. It took us nearly two hours to get checked in.  There were not two beds for the four of us, so Beth and Suzy, twin sisters, slept on the bed, I slept on a horrible twin mattress and Sarah, crazy as she is, slept on a box springs.  But when I say slept, I mean napped because we only slept for a few hours.

Sunday morning we took the stairs down 16 flights and began our run of the town.  I am pretty sure we logged 8-10 miles of running, skipping, stair climbing and the like.  These girls ran up the down escalators and  Sarah even danced a mile or so.  I am not sure why we had to run other than Sarah does not hold still and is not a slow mover.  Unless she is planking, which she did a lot of.   Occasionally convincing us to join her. 

Sarah kept the world posted via Facebook, more crazy pictures for the public to see than I would have liked!   At one point she was confused because she had sent Jesse a picture of us and he hadn’t sent her a text back.  I had to remind her that it was 2:00 a.m. and he would probably be sleeping.

Between all the snacks we each brought, we ate a total of one meal out.  A buffet at the Bellagio.  Despite the photo, we ate more than just desserts.   I am by far the least healthy of these girls and I consider myself to be a pretty healthy person, but one can not only eat banana millet muffins and kale chips.

We walked and ran and shopped until evening and then took the bus to Fremont street to ride the zipline.  I don’t like heights but this was super fun.  800 feet of zipline above thousands of people under a canopy of lights.

The street performers at Fremont street were a little on the creepy side.  And thats saying something because here is a “tame” one that Sarah danced with on the Las Vegas Blvd.  He calls himself Kotton Kandy…have I mentioned she is crazy?!

Monday morning we woke up at 6:30 and loaded up the car to head home.  Short and sweet but so exhausting!  If anyone wants a workout disguised as a vacation, run Vegas.  But don’t be surprised if it ends up on Facebook.

 

isn’t it all kairos?

I recently read an article written by a mother with young children refuting the “carpe diem” approach to mothering.  Every mother out there has had someone remind her to enjoy their small children because it goes so fast.  Don’t wish it away kind of thing.  The writer wanted to let it be known that she was tired of that line of reasoning.

The response to this article was mostly positive, in favor of wishing away the days of runny noses and diaper changes.  It was widely agreed that mothering is something you look back on and enjoy having done, but do not enjoy doing.  She enjoys seeing glimpses of her beautiful children like a slow motion movie reel, or as she put it, Kairos or God’s time mothering.  But she really doesn’t want to deal with potty training and the day to day, Chronos of real time mothering.  Just like a mountain climber really doesn’t like the arduous journey up Everest, but rather is only proud of the accomplishment when finished.  You can’t Seize the Day, only brief moments.

Quite a few moms I looked up to voiced their support for this article and it made me incredibly sad.  And here is why.

I know every mom gets frustrated.  Some hide it better than others, but it is a fact of motherhood.  Every mom gets tired.  And every kid grows up.  The diaper changes end and the worries get bigger.   Blatantly tossing out the idea of enjoying as much as you can as a mother feels like a brick to the side of the head of everything mothering is.

I am sure it is impossible to literally enjoy every moment of mothering young children.  BUT.  It is also quite unlikely that mothers look back and think they enjoyed enough of it.  I don’t very often hear,  ”I enjoyed my kids so much that there was no more room in my heart for memories.”  I am pretty sure I have never heard that.

When those sweet old ladies in the line at Target look at your children and remind you that they grow so fast, they are not telling you that you are not appreciating them enough.  They are just reminiscing about what a fleeting time it was in their lives.

We are not usually given advice to pressure us or reprimand, but rather encourage!  Take heart that the rough days don’t last forever!  Your kids will sleep through the night.  Eventually you will no longer have little ones in diapers.  They will go to school and grow up and lets hope you were able to enjoy some everyday.  Heaven knows there are more rough times ahead…

I believe a climber does enjoy the journey.  I believe they climb the tallest peaks in the world because there is something along every step of the way that is meant to be enjoyed.  It’s not easy to do or to enjoy at times, but there are many opportunities to enjoy.  I believe Kairos and Chronos don’t have to be so separate.

I believe this is what is meant when people say “Carpe Diem.” Let the busy day to day of carpooling, and grocery shopping chronos, intermingle with the moment you see the sun bounce off your sons yellow hair or watch your daughters face beam with pride at a good report card, kairos.  Try and let the lines cross instead of pushing them further away from each other.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.  Or your children.  Because when you look back at it, it will all seem like Kairos and you don’t want to have missed that because you dismissed it as Chronos.

Of course it is easiest to enjoy the view from the top.  Imagine how beautiful it would be if we were able to let ourselves enjoy more of the journey as well.

I’m a do-er

Sometimes things happen and they make you understand a little more about yourself as well as others.

I am not a procrastinator. When I have something I need to do I pretty much jump in with both feet and go until whatever the project was is finished. If I have a deadline or a “due date,” you can bet that I will be finished a few days before that day. I don’t like unfinished business. I don’t like to be late. And I don’t like to-do lists, unless they are finished.

At the beginning of last week Max let Jesse know he had to get his pinewood derby car finished. It was urgent. It had to be done! Jesse and Max sat down and worked out a design and then they went to work. The car will be a pencil. Did you know that going from a square to a hexagon was quite difficult? Me either. I watched at the boys worked and sanded and started to paint and wondered why Jesse was getting such an early start on this project. The derby is not until the 28th. Jesse usually waits until the week before to get started on the cars.

Jesse had no idea the race wasn’t that very Saturday. Or even the next one.

Max seems to be even less of a procrastinator than myself.

On the other hand, I had a certain child miss a bus and have a bit of a breakdown, (ok guys, it was really me that had the breakdown) because a certain assignment that he/she has had for months had to be typed and printed.  And of course the computer (not the laptop) wouldn’t connect to the network and print the danged thing!  And also, I had no car because it was getting an oil change.  AND Jesse had already left for the day.  Fun morning.

I am thankful for my lack of procrastination skills after dealing with the anxiety that I had to swallow this morning. Meanwhile, Max is producing anxiety for Jesse in an entirely different way…

 

ringing it in

The year has come to a sleepy end and a new one has just begun.  With that beginning come the hopes of new things, the dreams of potential changes and the sweet sorrow of things passed by:

• 2011 held a lot of emotion for me.  I have had many times of tearful reflection this week.  I haven’t been able to put my finger on the reason for the tears until I sat down to type this.  My life changed in 2011.  Cliche as it may sound, it is true.  And I was not really looking for a change, nor was I ready for it.  So many facets of emotion twisted up into months of physical and emotional pain.  Pieces I am still picking up as life moves forward.  And how thankful I am that it moves forward.
• Our annual beach trip fell into place nicely despite recovering from surgery.  What a joy that is for us and how happy we are to look forward to that each year.
• My children are happy, healthy, intelligent and well adjusted despite the roller coaster that is life.  What more can be said about that?
• Jesse gave me this necklace for Christmas.  Yep, I love life.  Happy 2011!!

unwrapping Christmas

Once again I find myself on this side of Christmas and once again it makes me a little sad that is came and went so quickly.  Luke woke up at the glorious hour of 3:00 A.M.!!  Capital letters, neon lights, 3:00 a.m.  Yikes.  Of course we told him to lay down, go back to sleep, stop talking…yada yada, but guys, have you ever tried to tell Luke to stop talking?  That is an exercise in futility to say the least.  He talked pretty much non-stop until 5:30 at which point Jesse told him to go.  You would think that we could catch a little more sleep without him jabbering on and on next to us from the floor.  And if you thought that, you would painfully wrong.  His talking may have intensified because now he was excited about all the treats in his stocking and the helium filled remote control shark that Santa left.

Wow.  Christmas ended up being a long day.

Good thing we had such happy smiling kids who were overwhelmed with their gifts.  As my children have gotten a little older, they have had a harder time asking for gifts.  Sure, they can think of things they want just like any other kid, but when it comes to actually thinking about it, they all draw blanks.  Even when they dream big, they never think they should get those huge things.  Which made this year that much more special.

As they opened their gifts, complete surprise and joy spread across their faces.  Making it so fun for us to have been able to give them gifts.

As the kids get back to school next week the Christmas decorations will start to come down.  I have looked at them a little more this week and even though I know they are just decorations, I am reminded of how fleeting things are.  How quickly this holiday season came and went.

How much I want to keep those Christmas morning smiles and feelings close to my heart.

keep it well

“…and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge.  May that be truly said of us, and all of us!  And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!”     -Charles Dickens

May we Keep it Well through out the year.  God Bless You.

Merry Christmas!